Memoirs Of A Broken Heart
by talk.nerdy.2.me
Summary: Who would have guessed that a girl with eyes like rain would carve a path into my heart of stone? One Shot Nobu's perspective.


I'm not a man to fall prey to my emotions, if I was I would have given up and prepared myself to die a long time ago. The reason I've survived and thrived this long is that I do what is necessary, not what makes me happiest. I'm not one to believe that women are inferior to men, but their foolish tendency to allow their emotions to get the best of them is one of the reasons why I will never agree to women serving in the military. No, men must be strong, we must be hard, but, somewhere along the way I permitted my guard to drop and look where that got me. I'm no stranger to physical pain, in fact we're old friends. I've tolerated more than the average person can possibly imagine, but I would rather be stabbed with a hundred knives right now than suffer this inner torment. At least with physical wounds they heal with time and the pain lessens, but I don't know what to do to ease this internal suffering. I hate her for doing this to me, yet I still love her, I can't believe that I, Toshikazu Nobu allowed a woman to cause me such anguish.

I know what they call me around Gion, Mr. Lizard, but what people don't realize is that while I was never what one would call a handsome man, before the war I wasn't particularly terrible to look at. And I'll admit that I'm gruff and hard to tolerate, but people who are worth the effort are those who can see past those qualities. That's why after I found _her_ I thought she would be the one I had waited for. The one woman who saw me for the man I was, what a joke. She turned out like the only other woman I had ever loved, and in the end she left me too.

Many people do not know that at one point in my life I was engaged to be married, in fact I believe the only people I've ever told were the Chairman and Mameha. The Chairman was the closest thing I had ever had to a brother and I trusted him more than any other person in the world, he was the only person I could completely confide in. And over drinks one night I told him of the girl I had fallen in love with before the war. He was surprised, having figured from my curt exterior that I wasn't the type of man to participate in such trivial affairs, and for the most part he was correct, but I wasn't always who I am today. War changes not only a body, but a person's spirit as well, there isn't a man I know who came home from the battlefields without sustaining some loss, many men lost limbs back then, but many more lost their sense of innocence. I was one of the numerous who lost both.

I never intended to tell Mameha that story though. In fact I usually can't stand Geisha, and that woman is infuriatingly skilled in the Geisha art of manipulation. I remember that day perfectly. The Baron had requested that Mameha receive an abortion after he had carelessly impregnated her. The stupid man couldn't very well chase after young women and host elaborate parties if he had any real responsibilities to take care of, that's why I despise men like the Baron, they cause others so much grief out of pure selfishness. Men like that could not have lasted an hour let alone a day on the battlefield. Mameha would never say it aloud that he requested she abort the child, after all as I said she is a skilled manipulator and hardly told a soul about her upcoming procedure. One night while attending a party at the Chairman's request I could tell something was awry. She seemed heavy and tired, not like the usual perfectly irksome presentable woman she usually was. Later that evening as I was walking to my hotel I could hear a woman quietly sobbing in an alleyway. I may be curt and stern, but I'm not outright malicious, and I walked over to check to see if the woman was in trouble. You can imagine my surprise and discomfort to find Mameha, one of the greatest Geisha in Gion, crying like a child. To put it lightly we were both startled and embarrassed by the whole situation and I requested that Mameha accompany back into the teahouse, I honestly didn't know what to do. She seemed to be relieved that I resumed the role of client and her of artisan and quickly followed me in. I'm not much of a drinker but on that night we both drank for a common cause, to forget.

Mameha revealed to me that she hadn't wanted to abort the child, she had loved it from the moment she had conceived it. She told me that she had always loved the name Midori and that would have been the child's name if she could have kept it. I claimed she was foolish to allow herself to dream of something she knew wasn't possible. That was the first time I had ever truly hurt a woman and I saw my words cut her like a wound. I was troubled to say the least at the pain in her eyes and I took a breath and apologized, something that I'm terrible at, and told her that I too had once foolishly allowed myself to dream. She stared at me inquisitively and I sighed as I began my story.

"Before the war, I was engaged to a young woman by the name of Sato Eri. Even to this day Mameha not many people are aware of this and I don't want them to be" I started. "She was a pretty girl with a sharp tongue, and I remember we'd discuss many topics together. Our relationship grew and eventually I found myself in love with her. I was surprised by this and couldn't really believe it to be true, but there was really no mistaking it. So on a day when the Sakura trees were heavy with flowers I asked her to be my wife. She threw her arms around me and said yes, it was the happiest moment of my life. Even to this day Sakura trees bring back that memory and I try to avoid them the best I can" I stated as I stopped to clear my throat, I was never very comfortable when it came to being sentimental.

"Soon after I decided to go off to war, we decided that the moment I retuned that we'd get married, and I left with that vision in my mind, I was a stupid man back then Mameha and I let myself dream of the future. The thought of coming home to her pushed me on" I paused and drank down another glass of sake to ease my discomfort.

"I did my duty in China, people say that I came home a hero, although there were many more people who were more deserving of the title, I had lost an arm and suffered disfiguring burns, but I'd survived. I thought that love was blind and that Eri would be able to see past my disfigurement, but the moment she laid eyes on me her once kind face grew hard, she said I wasn't the man I once was and that she couldn't possibly love a monster, and that was the end of it" I concluded with a shrug. I wouldn't say it aloud but that was the day my heart hardened and I learned that I wasn't meant to have someone to care for me.

"The true monsters in this word Nobu san are men like the Baron and that woman, those who cannot see past their own self-centered needs"

After that day I gained a great respect and liking for Mameha, but I found that my life was the way it was and I had come to accept it. Then it happened.

I never hoped that a woman would look at me with anything more than polite interest. More often than not a Geisha would look at me with a mixture of pity and disgust in her eyes, disgust I can tolerate, but not pity. I learned that in order to wash the pity from their faces all I had to do was act as cruelly as I could. I didn't expect that such a clever, beautiful girl like Sayuri would take an interest in me and look beyond my exterior. As time passed I grew to enjoy her presence more and more and one day I woke up with a familiar feeling in my heart, like a fool I'd fallen in love with her.

I can't believe I allowed this to happen, she's hurt me more than any other person in this world, yet I can't stop loving her. I should never have let myself dream foolish dreams again; I thought I had learned my lesson the first time. I want to hate her I want to curse her with every fiber of my being but I can't do it. She's the cause of this heavy ache in my chest, I gave her my heart, and even now she still holds it in her grasp. Who would have been able to guess that a girl with eyes like rain would carve a path into my heart of stone? No, I'm not an emotional man, but if I knew I could hurt like this, I think I would have been better off dead with my comrades on the battlefields of China.


End file.
